Liuzhou Laowai

It has taken me nearly a week to get over it!

Despite my protestations last weekend that I was going to batten down the hatches and hide away until Children’s Day was several days over, I got a call and an invite to dinner with a very dear friend. It was too late to suggest I cook instead, so I half reluctantly dragged myself out.

We decided to visit a newish place I had spotted a week or so before. When we arrived it was packed to the gunnels, but we held out for a table. They found one. Literally. A table. I don’t mean a table was vacated. They literally went out and came back with a table which they set up in a corner.

So, we laid claim and requested a menu. This was huge. Really huge. Page after page of dishes. But we knew why we had come.

The restaurant is called 北海渔家风味 which translates as “Beihai Fishing Family Flavour”.

Beihai, for those who don’t know, is a coastal city in the south of Guangxi on the Tonkin Gulf, near the Vietnamese border. About six hours by bus from Liuzhou. It is a popular tourist destination (especially its Silver Beach) and is also the source of most of the seafood served in Guangxi’s restaurants, markets and supermarkets.

About ten years ago, there were a lot of seafood restaurants in Liuzhou, but most disappeared. I have no idea why. Seafood remained (and remains) still available in Cantonese restaurants at very silly prices, so it is a welcome change to find this relative newcomer, a down to earth place with great seafood at sensible prices. The restaurant is on two floors. They have a huge menu with all sorts of dishes, but what you really want to do is grab a table, then head back outside. To the left of the main entrance (as you face the entrance) is the real menu. Tanks full of seafood and other goodies. One of the wait staff should have followed you out and you make your order by pointing.

Among the many delights on offer were:

Snails – We’ll have some of  that.

Oysters

Crawfish

Scallops and Mussels

Giant Prawns

蛋椒 – jiaozi made with a skin of eg – like a tiny omelette.

By the time, we got back, it had been deemed that the procured table was too dangerous, but fortunately a regular table had been vacated and we moved there. I was pondering the potential danger of tables, when a horde of screaming kids ran past us bumping into tables and sending waters carrying hot food spinning. The brats’ parents sat ignoring the chaos around them.

I sat and tucked in, trying to avoid barbecuing the next kid who screamed in my ear, and straining to hear what my companion was saying. After a while there was one  of those odd seconds of silence in the middle of the mayhem and I finally realised that she was telling me that if another kid screamed in her ear she was going to barbecue it, then force feed it to its parents. My companion was Chinese, so it seems it isn’t just unreasonable  western conceit to think that parents should control their children in restaurants.

Finally the selfish morons left and we finished out meal in relative peace. In fact, we were the last to leave. Stuffed but happy. The meal (enough to feed two greedy people like us) cost a mere ¥100 (including beers), although, of course, you could spend much more. We didn’t go for the most expensive but neither did we go for the cheapest. We went for what we like!

The restaurant is at the southern end of Bayi Road (八一路), just to the north of that huge building site on the north side of the People’s Square. Thoroughly recommended.

Friday food is a weekly article about one of the more unusual food items to be found in Liuzhou that week. This week, Xiang Gua.

I’m somewhat surprised to find that I haven’t mentioned this one before. This popular fruit turns up every year around this time and lasts well into the summer. Available in supermarkets, markets and from street vendors. Around ¥6.50 / 500g

Xiang Gua (香瓜) translates roughly as Fragrant Melon and is a type of muskmelon (Cucumis melo).

The fruits are usually round, although sometimes more conical, around 8 to 10 cm in diameter. They range in colour from almost pure white, through to yellow. The flesh is sweet and subtly flavoured. Recommended.

Almost three years to the day since the notorious unveiling of Liuzhou’s Starfucks café, comes news that it seems the real thing may be coming soon.

This prediction is not based on any sighting of a real or fake venue. In fact no venue has been identified. Nor any opening date.

But today, June 4th, Starbucks’ official Chinese website posted recruitment details for their Liuzhou outlet.

The advertisement is somewhat short on details – in fact the whole job description is a load of meaningless, corporate twaddle. There is no mention of making or serving coffee. The only really useful information is that the outlet will be open from 7 am until 12 midnight and staff will be expected to work shifts of 40 hour weeks. No salaries are mentioned, but there are no gender restrictions.

I’m not sure why anyone would be excited anyway. I mean it’s only Starbucks. a not particularly good franchise chain.

They are also advertising for Guilin.

Thanks to Fiona for the tip-off.

Liuzhou’s powers-that-be have now issued more information about their silly public bike scheme, including partial information on pricing.

To use the public bikes, you first have to register. Visitors to the city can also register using their ID cards. Foreigners are not mentioned. Their passport numbers usually don’t have the correct number of digits so they can piss off.

The concept was intended to allow people to traverse the “last mile” – the distance between major traffic centres and the place you actually want to go – like home. However having picked up your rental bike at a major traffic centre, you have to return it to another. If your home isn’t a major traffic centre – which is more than likely – the scheme is useless. In fact, it only works if you want to travel from one traffic hub to another – which the buses etc already do.

Pricing is to be free for the first hour, then there are undisclosed incremental charges for additional time. The maximum expense for a day is ¥24. I took two taxis today for less than that in total.

They disclose that the scheme was suggested by a middle school student named Liu Chang who saw something similar at the 2010 Shanghai Expo. I wonder who his Daddy is? It’s a pity they didn’t get an adult to think it through. Cycling round an Expo site and cycling around a city like Liuzhou are two different things.

If they actually got their act together and built proper cycle lanes (you know, exclusive to bicycles (and I don’t mean those e-bikes) then stopped taxis using the cycle lanes as shortcuts and other “drivers” using them as car parks)  then it might be feasible. But they are a long way from that.

Shit! They can’t get people to drive on the correct side of the road! I saw two accidents today where the vehicles involved were on the wrong side of the road. Both involved taxis.

I guess most of these rental bikes will disappear or be broken in the first six months. Someone will die. Then we’ll hear no more about them.

Won’t they ever learn?

The “Standing Committee of the People’s Congress of Guangxi Zhuang Autonomous Region”  have decreed that, as of July 1st, anyone requiring or desiring an HIV/AIDS test must supply proof of identity, which will be recorded along with the results.

If these unqualified idiots manage to put two brain cells together when they sober up, they will realise that this is just going to discourage people from taking tests.

They are also legislating that anyone diagnosed as positive is required to inform their spouse (reasonable, perhaps) and any other sex partners (totally unenforceable).

Fan Xiaohui, a complete idiot senior official from the Standing Committee of the Guangxi People’s Congress, is reported as saying that the real-name testing is needed, because AIDS spread to Guangxi in 1996, and it has become a main area for AIDS cases in China.

Er? What? That makes no sense whatsoever. Is the idiot trying to say that AIDS spread to Guangxi because people didn’t introduce themselves properly?

“Many of those living with HIV or AIDS, and NGOs working on AIDS prevention, opposed the proposal, arguing it might scare off test takers and even result in a further spread of the disease, as discrimination against HIV carriers in China is a major social issue.“

Guangxi has the second highest HIV/AIDS rate in China – after Yunnan.

Source

According to the ludicrous Liuzhou page on China Daily, the city is planning on building “up to” seven new shopping centres. (“Up to” is journalese for “we don’t know how many.”) The total investment is said to be 42 billion yuan ($6.85 billion).

As ever, the story is undated. Only an update date is given, so it could be months old.

If it is true, then I am convinced they are insane. It isn’t clear if the figure includes the several malls currently under construction such as the 风情港购物中心 mall which they have been building at the north end of the Liujiang (No. 1) Bridge for years.

风情港购物中心

“According to Liuzhou’s investment promotion bureau, most of the seven projects are commercial complexes that bring together hotel guests, office users, business people and others.”

So, it may also include the Diwang development on the north side of the square. This is set to include all of the above and be the tallest building in Guangxi until they build a taller one.

They claim that all these shopping centres will create thousands of jobs for Liuzhou. I can’t really see it myself. A lot of temporary construction jobs for migrant workers perhaps, but then?

How are they going to fill these shopping ventures when there are already dozens of empty units in the existing malls? Diwang are building the tallest building with its obligatory mall at the same time as their mall beside Wuxing in the city centre is half empty.

Empty unit in Diwang Shopping Mall – one of many

Another problem is that every time they open these malls, the same old shops just move from wherever they were before to the new venue in the hope that  the novelty value will bring more trade, which it may do for a short time, until the next one opens. There are very few actual new shops – very few actual new jobs.

I’ve spent the day preparing defences. I’m going into siege mode for the weekend. Adequate supplies of food, drink and other requisites have been sequestered away and, in about an hour or two, I shall be firmly locking the doors and hiding (until Tuesday to be on the safe side).

This emergency situation arises every year. But every now and again (you do the mathematics), June 1st lands on a Saturday or Sunday. Should it be any other day, the nearest weekend is still a nightmare, but if June 1st really is at the weekend, as it is this year, then batten down the hatches, head for the trenches and prepare for the worst.

June 1st is Children’s Day. This is when every parent and grandparent allows their already obnoxious, spoiled offspring to run riot, screaming and kicking with even more laxity than normal, if that is possible. Even this morning, when I unfortunately found myself in Lianhua supermarket, a couple of deranged five-year-olds were running around, barging into people, pulling goods from the shelves to the floor and screaming at the top of their voices while their mamas looked on indulgently. They were, of course, just getting warmed up for the real tantrum throwing tomorrow.

(They were almost as annoying as the idiot behind the checkout (hardly more than a child herself) who decided that as I was a foreigner, I must therefore also be an imbecile incapable of understanding how shops work. I have never been patronised so much in my long life.  The twist in the tale is that I have been in China longer than she has. Even the other people in the queue told her not to be so rude.)

I’ve never really seen the point of children or why they should have a day. They are not very useful, are they? Dirty noisy and smelly – with no social graces whatsoever. They don’t even bark when burglars turn up. I wouldn’t give them a children’s hour. So I will hide away and let them get on with their rampage.

In the meantime, the Radisson hotel have sent me yet another unreadable email (the second in a couple of days)  in their ongoing, increasingly desperate bid to attract business to their overpriced, underpopulated restaurants. The image they attach is too small to be legible and the first thing you learn in graphic design class is never to put grey print on a white background.

Top tip guys. The  kids don’t want to go to the Globe. They want to go to KFC, McDonalds, 开心吧, etc. You’re aiming at the wrong market. Again.

Roll on Grumpy Foreigners’ Day

I’ve got a bike. You can ride it if you like. It’s got a basket, a bell that rings, and things to make it look good. I’d give it to you if I could, but I borrowed it  - Syd Barrett

Liuzhou is to introduce a bike rental system. 1,300 bicycles (pushbikes, as opposed to the ubiquitous e-bikes) will be spread around 50 automatic ‘stations’.

The system is aimed at overcoming what they describe as “the last mile” syndrome. This refers to the annoying fact that public transport always terminates somewhat short of where you actually want to get to and so you have to walk the ‘the last mile’ – it being too short a distance to warrant a taxi.

They also claim somewhat optimistically that the scheme will help reduce traffic congestion. No. Fewer cars and better driving would do that.

The bike stations will be mainly in the downtown area and near busy public places and schools etc.

The scheme is set to be launched on July 15th and be fully operational by August. No details of pricing have yet been issued.

Source:Chinese

Friday food is a weekly article about one of the more unusual food items to be found in Liuzhou that week. This week, we are looking at day lily buds.

Day lilies (some times referred to as one word – daylily) are flowers in the Xanthorrhoeaceae Hemerocallidoideae family. They are a lot prettier than their Latin name suggests. The name comes from their habit of flowering only for one day then dying off. There are dozens of varieties in different colours.

One variety, a yellow flowered variety, is used in Chinese cuisine. Known as 黄花菜 in Chinese (literally “yellow flower vegetable”) or, when dried, 金针 (“Golden Needles”), they are an essential ingredient in the northern pork and scrambled egg dish, 木须肉 (“Moo Shu pork”), but also feature extensively in soups, frequently appearing in hot and sour soups 酸辣汤 or simply as “Day Lily Soup”. I’ve even made day lily omelettes.

They are sometimes available fresh, but you are much more likely to find the dried variety. In fact, every supermarket has them. ¥29/kilo but a kilo would be ridiculous. Enough for a couple of hearty dishes costs me ¥3.20.

As I believe I’ve mentioned before, China Daily has a special Liuzhou feature. Why? God knows.

It is full of propaganda, half truths and the utterly uninteresting. Its stories pop up on the Google list of news somewhere on the right – often months after the events in question actually occurred. I almost always ignore it.

But today’s amused me.

Written by someone who is possibly real, possibly imaginary, by the name of Pauline D. Loh, this is an excellent example of how to take a press release and turn it into gibberish.

Now, I realise that photo captions and headlines etc are not the journalist’s doing, but hey! Work together.

The article begins by boldly stating that “Everybody in China knows Guilin is famous for its osmanthus, water chestnuts, betel-nut taro and snail noodles…” Really? I know for a fact that is bull. A small sign of the problem. Hold on one minute. This is the China Daily Liuzhou page. Guilin isn’t Liuzhou. Different city. What are you on about? Guilin isn’t so famous for snail noodles – Liuzhou is. But hey. all them Chinese cities look the same. Especially the ones you never visited.

Anyway, it continues “but Pauline D. Loh finds out there is a lot more to tempt the galloping gourmet.” Great cliché, there.

She battles on describing the local beer in Guilin in terms of  its “rich, deep malty tones”. Come on. You have never tasted it,  have you Ms. Loh? Liquan rich, deep and malty? Oh the press release said so?

She then comes clean (sort of) and admits that she is writing a puff piece for the Sheraton Hotel but screws it up by saying that the local dish is “river fish” in beer. She clearly has no idea what kind of fish. Then she announces that it is popular in every town between Guilin and Yangshuo. Name one! You can’t, can you. You’ve never been to Guilin.

She goes on with this masterpiece:

The mauve hues of the root are laced with darker purple, just like the grains of a cut betel-nut, hence its name. The taro grows abundantly along the water’s edge and Guilin’s Lipu region is famous for its yams, another name for this root vegetable.

In my book any journalist using the expression “mauve hues” should be put out of their misery. Especially when they think that taro and yam is the same vegetable. No idea about writing, geography or food.

She then describes the chef’s duck dish, which she admits she has never seen or eaten, but has it “on good authority that this is a must-eat item”. Who is this good authority? The restaurant? The chef? The PR company?

She can’t translate 罗汉果 and waffles around the issue, then drifts off into the ether.

But what amused me most was the caption for the first picture.

I’m off to catch me some deep fried prawns.

The train wreck of an article is here, if you must.

/endrant