Liuzhou Laowai

Random thoughts on life in Liuzhou, Guangxi, China

Archive for the ‘Humour’ Category

Liuzhou Times

China’s “Global Times” claims to be an English language tabloid newspaper of sorts. It fact, it is an often hysterical mouthpiece of the Chinese communist party. When not denouncing all things not Chinese and red, it runs photos of scantily clad young women displaying their communist assets. Alongside stupid, unbelievable stories of unlikely heroes of […]

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The End is Nigh

This has been a historic week with colossal implications for the future of mankind. Tragic, too. Yes, after 18 years I have lost my cell phone number to vagaries of chance, thereby causing an international crisis. It’s a long story. The day after the USA “elected” a deluded, offensive, egotistical, narcissistic, misogynist, racist, lying, fascist […]

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With This Ring …

I would be failing in my duty if I didn’t bring you this. Earlier this month, an 18-year old Liuzhou man (boy) had to call the emergency services after enduring two days of pain when he decided to put a wedding ring on his penis, but then couldn’t remove it. His appendage became swollen (not […]

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KFC Toe Job

Local users of social media are up in arms following a report in yesterday’s local paper that a young woman was spotted eating alone in the KFC beside Gongmao Department store – Liuzhou’s first, but sadly not last, KFC. Her offence wasn’t being alone. Her offence was that while eating whatever KFC sell instead of […]

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Random Photograph 82 – Pickled Panties

Need some panties? Try the pickle shop. Fancy some pickles? Try the panty shop.

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Mammary Makeup

They did this last year, too. For the second year running one of the gold and jewelry shops on the city centre pedestrian street is pretending to have just opened. Again, they have festooned the place with those artificial flower bouquets they always have at shop openings; again, they have found a bunch of not […]

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The End of Chinglish?

Guangxi’ government has launched a drive to correct all the ridiculously badly translated signs in public places. Of course, Liuzhou has been roped in. A campaign has started in the local rag inviting residents to report any examples they notice. This has had a mixed result. Some perfectly correct English has been denounced for being […]

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Monster Energy Advice

Just a suggestion. When you want to come over as uber-macho with your ‘Monster Energy’… …and satanic with your VIP Hades VIP membership… …then it’s probably best not to completely undermine your message by having pink wheels on your buggy. Just saying.

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Viagra Baijiu

I thought I was feeling a bit friskier than usual. It has come to light that  Liuzhou Food and Drug Administration and local police are investigating claims that two local distilling companies, Gaikun (桂坤) and Deshun (德顺), have been adding Viagra to their 白酒, the local gut rot of choice. The brands involved are 金锅功夫酒, 瑶健酒 and 柳霸神养生酒, […]

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Rice Flag

Sometimes I’m a bit slow to catch on. Almost 4 years ago, I mentioned the astonishing number of UK flags I come across in Liuzhou. This fashion has not died and they still frequently decorate people’s clothing, handbags, and even e-bikes. And cups. I bought that one in Liuzhou. I was baffled by its ubiquity. […]

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