Liuzhou Laowai

Random thoughts on life in Liuzhou, Guangxi, China

Batten Down the Hatches!

I’ve spent the day preparing defences. I’m going into siege mode for the weekend. Adequate supplies of food, drink and other requisites have been sequestered away and, in about an hour or two, I shall be firmly locking the doors and hiding (until Tuesday to be on the safe side).

This emergency situation arises every year. But every now and again (you do the mathematics), June 1st lands on a Saturday or Sunday. Should it be any other day, the nearest weekend is still a nightmare, but if June 1st really is at the weekend, as it is this year, then batten down the hatches, head for the trenches and prepare for the worst.

June 1st is Children’s Day. This is when every parent and grandparent allows their already obnoxious, spoiled offspring to run riot, screaming and kicking with even more laxity than normal, if that is possible. Even this morning, when I unfortunately found myself in Lianhua supermarket, a couple of deranged five-year-olds were running around, barging into people, pulling goods from the shelves to the floor and screaming at the top of their voices while their mamas looked on indulgently. They were, of course, just getting warmed up for the real tantrum throwing tomorrow.

(They were almost as annoying as the idiot behind the checkout (hardly more than a child herself) who decided that as I was a foreigner, I must therefore also be an imbecile incapable of understanding how shops work. I have never been patronised so much in my long life.  The twist in the tale is that I have been in China longer than she has. Even the other people in the queue told her not to be so rude.)

I’ve never really seen the point of children or why they should have a day. They are not very useful, are they? Dirty noisy and smelly – with no social graces whatsoever. They don’t even bark when burglars turn up. I wouldn’t give them a children’s hour. So I will hide away and let them get on with their rampage.

In the meantime, the Radisson hotel have sent me yet another unreadable email (the second in a couple of days)  in their ongoing, increasingly desperate bid to attract business to their overpriced, underpopulated restaurants. The image they attach is too small to be legible and the first thing you learn in graphic design class is never to put grey print on a white background.

image005

Top tip guys. The  kids don’t want to go to the Globe. They want to go to KFC, McDonalds, 开心吧, etc. You’re aiming at the wrong market. Again.

Roll on Grumpy Foreigners’ Day

. This entry was posted on Friday, May 31st, 2013 at 2:39 pm and is filed under Chinese Holidays, Humour, Liuzhou News, Radisson Hotel. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. Both comments and pings are currently closed.

5 Responses to “Batten Down the Hatches!”

  1. carl johnson Says:

    Anyone who hates children….and dog hot pot…can’t be all bad!!
    My apologies to W. C. Fields.

  2. Liuzhou Laowai Says:

    Leave my dog hot pot out of it!

  3. carl johnson Says:

    Well, I reckon a dog hot pot never threw up on my favorite shirt…maybe you got a point there! LOL

  4. David Says:

    W.C. Fields also coined my favourite
    “I love kids – I love ’em fried”
    Might be usefull as some kind of mantra over the next few days .

  5. Liuzhou Laowai Says:

    As with most W.C Fields quotes, there is no record that he ever said anything similar at all.

    I prefer the equally apocryphal “I don’t mind children. But I couldn’t eat a whole one” which I’ve see attributed to all sorts of unlikely people.



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