Liuzhou Laowai

Random thoughts on life in Liuzhou, Guangxi, China

My body

Those who know me will tell you that I am of the slim nature. To tell you the truth, I could, if I so chose, make a small fortune as a model for anorexia treatment ads and appeals for the starving around the world. OK! I’m thin! What about it?

It is not lack of eating! I am as capable of the next man of stuffing myself senseless. I just have this incredible gift of never putting on a pound. I am exactly the same weight as I was when I was 16, which, let me tell you, was way back when the world was still in black and white and you could have a night out, buy ten cigarettes and still have the price of a taxi home (except they hadn’t invented taxis yet.) You get the idea.

You are all jealous!

Which brings me to my point. I was chatting with a colleague the other day when he suddenly announced (in English) , “Many women want your body!”

Now, I don’t know about you, but I think that making remarks like that just as I’m getting my laughing tackle round a particularly nasty lump of unidentified dead animal should be an indictable offence. (For all I know, it may be. Chinese law is not my forté.)

So, in my shock, I sprayed spit and phlegm and the inner organs of beasts and fowls all across the room, made a cunning recovery and told him to arrange for them to form an orderly queue outside my door.

After establishing that what he meant was that many of our colleagues of the female persuasion were somewhat envious of my lack of width and would like to know my secret in order that they may emulate it, I hid my disappointment and continued with lunch.

It is not my intention to mock the pragmatic errors of our Chinese friends’ use of English – God knows, I could represent Britain in the upcoming Beijing Olympics for my renditions of nonsensical Chinese – but a couple of times I have been reduced to tears of hilarity and feel duty bound to pass them on!

. This entry was posted on Monday, February 7th, 2005 at 1:47 pm and is filed under Uncategorized. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. Both comments and pings are currently closed.

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